Laughing at yourself
I recently heard a wise person say that "when we are tempted to groan [out at life's challenges] we should consider laughter instead. It will brighten the day of people around us too." Later that day I was in the kitchen routinely getting out some food. As I reached for the cottage cheese, it slipped from my grip and fell on the kitchen floor splattering it all over (actually only about 1/2 of it spilled out).
At this point our two little dogs, who are perfect little "food scroungers" and are always on hand when we're in the kitchen, seize the opportunity for some free food and begin cleaning up for us before I could even reach down to pick up the mess :-) At this point the whole thing struck me as incredibly funny and I started laughing :-) I commented to Nikki about how great it is to have two little instant 'cleaner-uppers' for just such an occasion.
A few minutes later Nikki started preparing to cook something in the oven. I continued on preparing some food and after a few minutes of hearing the microwave oven going, Nikki turns to me and asks: "What are you cooking in the microwave? (for 17 minutes?)"
I turned back to her, and said: "I'm not cooking anything, it must be you". She looks through the glass with a curious expression on her face and decides to open the door to peer in and see what's inside. She opens it and with a surprised expression says: "There's nothing in here!" Then Nikki realizes: "Oh, I meant to set the microwave KITCHEN timer, instead of the COOKING timer!" The microwave was just whirring away while counting down from 18 minutes on the timer. At this point we both laughed at ourselves. I said, "see you can laugh at yourself and so can I" :-)
We both had a good laugh and smiled at each other.
So, the next time your spill milk, or crack something by dropping it or something else like that, try to laugh at yourself, you'll certainly feel much better afterwords and you'll probably put a smile on the face of someone else too. :-) :-)
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Garden planted - lawn work
Well last week we planted our garden and it was just in time! It turned into Seattle like rainy weather here recently. This is going to be good not only for our Garden, but also for our lawn.
I also am finally finishing burying the sprinkler system in my back yard. Lots of work! It will be nice when it's all done though!
I also am finally finishing burying the sprinkler system in my back yard. Lots of work! It will be nice when it's all done though!
Monday, May 25, 2009
Farmer's Market - It's that time of year!
I know, I know another post. What is going on? I never post so close together.
With the hit of the failed adoption, I just have not brought myself to update our lives for a while. I am back and stronger than ever.
This past Saturday I wanted to go to the Farmer’s Market in 
hance I can get. 
I think it is so much fun to walk up and down the isles looking at all the organic and fresh produce, flowers, meat and dairy. I wish I had taken a picture but I saw the most beautiful radishes I have ever seen. They were in a punch with pink, purple and red. When I went back to take a picture they were gone. Of course they were gone. I was going to buy them because they were so beautiful even though radishes are not my favorite.
While we grabbed some lunch there was a parade that walked by. They were all dressed in white and had drums that they banged and each person was carrying a colorful, ordinate decorated umbrella. They looked beautiful and with their smiles and pride walking through the market, it changed the energy of the market. Everyone gathered together to see. People laughed and clapped their hands as they walked by. They came right up to us and with the beating of the drum your body just shook from the vibration of the drums. We walked away with some fun things to eat this week. I had to 
take pic
tures because it is a beautiful thing to go to a market. It reminds me of the markets I would go to in
Need time to Breath!
Adam and I took a couple of days to go away, we went to our favorite place. It is our place we like to go when we just need to leave the world behind.
When we got to our hotel, we were able to check in and was given a warm cookie from the oven. I know I have mentioned this before. But there is something about getting a warm cookie when you arrive to your destination. We got our things settled in our room
, quickly freshened up and went to dinner. I decided I didn’t want to ride our bikes to main street this time. We went to my favorite place to eat. Six 89, it is an amazing! I can’t begin to tell you the amazing experience you will have at this place. It is a sophisticated, casual yet elegant restaurant. They use local farmer and ranchers for the food. The food is the experience, your pallet will crave what ever you order off the menu. You mind will never forget the joy you felt from your meal. Definitely a must for us for a few meals while we are in town! Our dinner lasted a few good hours and it was dark and late by the time we headed out. We went back to our hotel to call it a night and to see what our adventures would take us the next day.
The next morning we got up to hit the breakfast buffet that was waiting for us. After breakfast we just felt worn out from life and decided to head back to the room and take a nap. It was nice to have a lazy day, no one calling, no where to be. Just us and going to the beat of our own drums. When we finally decided to get up and head out we jumped on our bikes and rode to 
We decided to head to the Eco-Goddess Edibles, which is an all organic cuisine. The food is so fresh and good you can feel the vitamins and energy hit your body when you eat it. They juice there as well so you can get a refreshing shot of carrot, wheatgrass and ginger. We shared the best carrot cake I have ever eaten. After lunch we found a path that lead off main street and went for a couple hour ride. As I am riding along this path, I am amazed of how beautiful it is here. I am amazed at the mountains, the stream, and the field that are all around me. I feel the wind on my face and the clean air in my lungs and there is not other place that I want to be then here right now at this time.
When we get back to our hotel, I feel the exhaustion so we kick it for a while. I take some time to recover from the ride but too eager to continue the day. We decide to head into Glenwood Springs and walk the town. We window shop and look in a few stores and browse. We walk up and down and finally decide on a place for dinner. It was good, but not as good as my Six 89. I kept thinking, oh we should have gone back there for dinner. As it got later, the reality of the day set in. We were not going to get all that we had planned on this trip. But that we would come back and enjoy another time u
p here.
The next morning we got up and leisurely checked out of our hotel and headed home. The sun was shinning and as we passed the
It was a wonderful short trip. Something about getting up there and biking and eating organic food made my heart heal just a little more. It helped release some of the tension I have been feeling and the sadness that has filled me. But riding out there with the clean air and letting my mind wonder, I realized the beauty that is around me. I can hide from it or embrace it. I want to embrace it. There is yet so much more that I can do for those around me and for myself. Even though it was a short trip, it was what my spirit needed. It rejuvenated me and opened my heart and my love for what our future holds.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Time for Round II
We have decided to move forward and put our hearts out there once again to adopt a child. There has been much heart ache and prayer involved for us to make this choice. I still feel numb inside and cant’ trust anything I feel anymore. Adam woke up yesterday and told me about a dream he had. He was very persistent that we contact our case worker and let him know to put our names back up on the list. I did just that yesterday I sent our case worker an email. When he gets into work on Tuesday he can begin the process of getting our profile back up online. So maybe by next Thursday or Friday we will be an active searchable couple. Adoption is not an easy choice for anyone to make. It is bigger than us all. It takes so much of a person to be the giver. I don’t think it will ever get easier for anyone when it comes to deciding placement of a child. One thing I do understand of the whole process, is the Lord is involved 100% and the spirit will guide the families involved. Here we are once again, putting ourselves and our hearts out there in hopes to build our family through adoption.
Monday, May 18, 2009
9 Years and still going Strong!
Happy Anniversary to my Hot Rock Star Husband! I love you with all my young girl heart.
You have given me an amazing 9 years. I definitely would not have done it without you by my side. We have shared the most amazing 9 years together. I only wished we could have met sooner than we did. I look back on the years together and we have done so much. We traveled together our first few years of marriage. We were able to go to Mexico, Bahamas, Spain, Switzerland, France, Canada and parts of the USA. We have lived in 3 different states over the years. We owned a business for 4 years and closed it up. Adam was there for me while I had my heath issues and he sat by my hospital bed for four surgeries in 2 year period of time. Adam graduated with his Masters. There are so many other things we have been able to accomplish and do over the years.
He is my love, my strength, my best friend and my Lover. He is everything to me and I want the world to know what an amazing husband I have.
“It just keep getting better”
You have given me an amazing 9 years. I definitely would not have done it without you by my side. We have shared the most amazing 9 years together. I only wished we could have met sooner than we did. I look back on the years together and we have done so much. We traveled together our first few years of marriage. We were able to go to Mexico, Bahamas, Spain, Switzerland, France, Canada and parts of the USA. We have lived in 3 different states over the years. We owned a business for 4 years and closed it up. Adam was there for me while I had my heath issues and he sat by my hospital bed for four surgeries in 2 year period of time. Adam graduated with his Masters. There are so many other things we have been able to accomplish and do over the years.
He is my love, my strength, my best friend and my Lover. He is everything to me and I want the world to know what an amazing husband I have.
“It just keep getting better”
Friday, May 15, 2009
Joy and Pain over 11 weeks
Mis-Adoption & Mis-carriage - all at once
I have been hesitant to share the things that have happen the past few months in our lives. We have experienced a miracle, we experienced joy and along with that came much pain. The last few months have been a whirlwind for us. I can barely remember the dates all the events happen, just knowing it did and we went through it all in 11 weeks.
Pregnancy - This CAN'T be real? After 9 years of trying?
The beginning of March we learned that we had a miracle; we found out that I was pregnant. I was feeling odd and talking to a co-worker and she told me to take a test. I have never been able to get pregnant. We had spent 9 years and allot of money working towards conceiving and with the end result, "you are the small percentage of couple we have no idea why you can't get pregnant." I remember thinking that day I may have a test tucked away in the filing cabinet and so that evening I decided to find it and put it in the bathroom.
Test 1
I thought to myself, if the next morning I decided to take the test it would be there. I was not going to spend the money to get a test. The next morning at 530am I decided to just do it. Wow what does 2 lines mean? I had to go online and look up the exact test I was using which is what they use at the hospital. Then I went into the bedroom where Adam was sleeping because it was 530am and I jumped on him and asked him if he knew what this meant. He was half awake and it barely registered with him.
I got ready for work still not believing the test. I pack the test in a zip lock bag and bring it to work to show my co-worker Kelli what it meant. She took one look at it and gave me a big hug and told me I was pregnant. I immediately call the doctor to see if I can get in for a test. I made the appointment the next day after work.
Test 2
Kelli convinced me to stop at Walgreen's and buy a test. I really didn't not want to waste money on a test as I had spent thousands of dollars over the years on test and junk for fertility. I made the choice as I was at the intersection waiting for the light. I walk in the store hoping not to see anyone and be able to look over all the options in private. I decide to spend the extra money and get a test that tells me so plain that even I understand. I got the digital test that says "pregnant or not pregnant” I didn't need to fuss with lines wondering if they were dark enough. There was a long line and I was standing there waiting, still hoping that I would not run into anyone. Hoping the clerk that was checking me out would not question me what I was buying. I have heard it too many times before in the past. I purchased it and was heading out of the store when I ran into a member from my church. Rachael, she was going in with her kids as I am heading out. I put my bag behind my body and talk with her for a bit, then quickly leave to go home and try out my test. I call my older sister as I am heading home and talk to her about it. She tells me, drink as much water as you can. Just water load. And if the pee is all water and it shows you are pregnant than you know for sure you are. I did just that and within sec the test read "pregnant”.
Test 3
I was still not convinced and took another test the next morning. Once again it was the same result.
Test 4
That afternoon I went to the doctor they did the same test and came back in and told me. I demanded a blood test. After talking to the doctor on why I needed one, she finally sent me to labs to get my blood drawn.
Test 5
The next day I got the results and it was right on. I was officially pregnant. We decided to see and wait for my first appointment so that I could know I really was. At this point I didn't believe it.
Adoption - We were chosen! Started the adoption process in Mar 2008, chosen in March 2009
The week I had my first appointment we got a call that Monday night from our case worker who told us that our birth mother had chosen us. We were in shock. We were so excited and couldn't believe we were chosen and that we would be getting a baby in 8 weeks. As that sunk in, Adam and talked back and forth about telling our birth mother about the pregnancy. People urged us not to say anything until we were far enough along in case of a miscarriage. A miscarriage, no way, that will not happen to me. This baby is coming and I know it. I know we are supposed to adopt and I know we are suppose to welcome Isabelle's baby into our home. We wrapped the idea around in our minds that we were going to have two babies and they would be 6 months apart. I could not believe we were going to be parents and be able to have two babies. I felt so blessed.
Test 6 - no heartbeat? (yet?)
Then the Wednesday came for my first appointment. I was so excited I could believe they were going to confirm I was pregnant. It was awesome and scary all in one. When she did the ultrasound. This chatty woman became silent. As she was looking her smile went to a worried look. She confirm with me my dates and I explained what I knew. Then she tells me I may not be as far along as I thought. No I was sure I was 2 weeks further than what she was telling me. Then she tells me all this medical logo that is going over my head. I am looking at this women and all I hear is "there is no heartbeat” then bla bla bla. She had me go get labs and then to go get them in 48hours later and come back on Monday for another appointment. I did what was requested and in the mean time research on the internet all I could about what she had told me. I found the more I read, the words she used started to make sense.
Miscarriage
The next Monday I went in. Not once did I think they were right in her diagnostic, not once did I think I would miscarry. I went in knowing they would find the heartbeat and everything would be just fine.
I was completely blind-sided when they are using the words DNC and right now. (This is where they go in and "scrape out" the fetus and any dead tissue from the miscarriage). What? I was told that I was nine weeks pregnant now and that the baby stopped growing at 6.5 weeks. I should be bleeding and it should be making its way out. But since it has not we need to do a DNC today because of the risk of infection.
My mind was could not take it all in. I asked for a moment to call Adam and talk to him about it. I was still in denial and still thought they didn't know what they were talking about. My mind waved back and forth wondering if they were right or wrong, wondering if I should do this or not? I could not make a decision and I was all alone, and then would do this and not be medicated and then drive myself home. Could I do it, of course I can. I am strong and I can anything on my own, but is this what I should do? I decided I would just do it, but in my heart I was breaking and wondering if it was right. The doctor came back in and he could sense my hesitation. We talked and he changed from being all business like and turned into a human being. The next thing I know he is telling me to embrace my pregnancy, enjoy the next few days and listen and understand my body and make the appointment the end of the week. I left with a cloud over my head. I felt like I was going to explode. I felt sorrow and pain and I sat in my car and just cried. How could this happen. How could I get pregnant, how could I lose it? Why now? After all these years why now? I got home and felt like my world was over. I felt so alone and sad.
Adoption - a baby is coming! - (No time for mourning)
I was excited for what was going to happen the next week! We were meeting our birth mother and she was going to place her child with us! I told myself I would mourn this week and then the next week I needed to focus on our other baby. That Wednesday about 6pm the night before my DNC was scheduled. I began cramping, the pain was terrible. It happened two hours later. I passed the baby on my own at home. This may sound gross to you and so move forward it is too much detail. But I saw it, I picked it up and looked at it. I cried and I made Adam look at it. Even though he almost threw up looking at it. Then I cried some more. How this could happen, and why did it happen to us? I took the next day off work and back in on the Friday. It felt like weeks before my body turned back to normal. I was only pregnant for a short while, but I felt so many changes in my body. I listened to the doctor's advice and really listened to my body. I really saw the miracle that took place with it. I felt all the changes that had happen go back.
My birthday - meeting our birthmom!
The next week on my 38th birthday we were able to meet our birth mom! That is where we were on our grand adventure to the "great northwest" I was meeting the woman who would change our lives. I was so scared and excited all the same. We had decided to tell her I was pregnant before I had the miscarriage. But then it happened and we kept it to ourselves.
Getting ready for the baby!
One thing that stuck with me in our meeting with our birth mother is she asked us if we were ready. I was hesitant to tell her, but we were ready. We were ready for this child in our hearts. As soon as we got back home I was on a rampage to get the house and all the things we needed for this little girl. Did you know you can move a husband out of his office in a week and get it painted and the carpets cleaned too? Yes within a week we had the room ready for the crib. I gave myself a deadline to have a bag packed and the baby's room done by May 1st. I was done a week before schedule. I had dreams at night about what I needed to buy and I would wake up the next morning exhausted because I have been shopping all night and making mental notes of things to get. So the next day I would go get those things. The next night would be something I had missed and so the next day I would get that item. This continued until we were prepared. We were so excited and our minds were on Baby thoughts. We had her named picked out, we had her room decorated and ready for her arrival. We had her clothes packed for the trip to go get her. After weeks of thinking it through I found a port-a-crib for the hotel room and got a bottle warmer and all you could imagine that we needed for our hotel stay with the baby.
We even made hotel reservations for a week (3 days before and 3 days after the due date, just in case). We drove by some hotels before our flight out and I suggested to Adam that we stop at a particular one. We stopped there and ended up getting a deal that was much cheaper and nicer than any other comparable hotel (for the next month)! We found out that it was a good thing to make reservations early because there was going to be several sports teams in town and rooms would be scarce during that week!
I thought I was so prepared.
But one thing that I never prepared for was a broken heart.
Not once through the process did I feel Isabel would change her mind. Not once did I think this baby would not come to our home. Not once did I think that Heavenly Father's plan would change for us.
Free Agency - Choice & Accountability
Then I realized that Isabel has her free agency and she used it. She made the choice to place her daughter with us, as she made the choice to keep her child and raise her on her own. I didn't prepare for this to happen. My head started to spin, my world yet again changed.
How could this happen?
Why now?
Why us?
Have we not done all that is required of us?
Have we not lived long enough without children in our home?
Have we endured enough with this trial?
My pain turned to anger and back to pain. My heart went numb and my world has been shattered once again.
How could I have gone from having two precious babies to none in 11 weeks?
There is much to be said for our trials and what we can endure. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. But that is not who I am.
I will pick myself up and go on! One day at a time.
I am super woman and can do anything!
I can endure all the pain that is thrown my way!
Mourning the loss of children
So as I see people around me expand their families. I see the joy in their worlds. I am happy for them, but in my home with my door shut I cry for my own pain.
I want to recover and move forward, but how do you recover from a broken heart?
Time will heal a broken heart. A baby in my arms will heal my broken heart. I know without a doubt that Isabel's child was meant for our family. We had too many spiritual experiences (signs and wonders) along the way to deny it. I also know that God's plan for us in our lives will not be frustrated. It will happen one day, just not today :-(
The future ...
I wanted to share a glimpse of our experience over the past 11 weeks of our lives. I want to express my love for Isabel. I know she had allot of pain in making her choice and even though she has decided to keep her child and raise her. I pray that she will find happiness and joy in her children. Not take them for granted. Give them all the love and support that they need to make it in this hard world. I pray that her relationship will work out with her new boyfriend and that they can provide a stable two parent home. If she ever finds herself alone, that she will be able to have the strength to go on and raise her children the best that she can.
As for Adam and I, where do we go from here?
I am not sure?
What I do know is that we have the hope to have little feet running around with sticky hands in our home one day. Just not today.
I have been hesitant to share the things that have happen the past few months in our lives. We have experienced a miracle, we experienced joy and along with that came much pain. The last few months have been a whirlwind for us. I can barely remember the dates all the events happen, just knowing it did and we went through it all in 11 weeks.
Pregnancy - This CAN'T be real? After 9 years of trying?
The beginning of March we learned that we had a miracle; we found out that I was pregnant. I was feeling odd and talking to a co-worker and she told me to take a test. I have never been able to get pregnant. We had spent 9 years and allot of money working towards conceiving and with the end result, "you are the small percentage of couple we have no idea why you can't get pregnant." I remember thinking that day I may have a test tucked away in the filing cabinet and so that evening I decided to find it and put it in the bathroom.
Test 1
I thought to myself, if the next morning I decided to take the test it would be there. I was not going to spend the money to get a test. The next morning at 530am I decided to just do it. Wow what does 2 lines mean? I had to go online and look up the exact test I was using which is what they use at the hospital. Then I went into the bedroom where Adam was sleeping because it was 530am and I jumped on him and asked him if he knew what this meant. He was half awake and it barely registered with him.
I got ready for work still not believing the test. I pack the test in a zip lock bag and bring it to work to show my co-worker Kelli what it meant. She took one look at it and gave me a big hug and told me I was pregnant. I immediately call the doctor to see if I can get in for a test. I made the appointment the next day after work.
Test 2
Kelli convinced me to stop at Walgreen's and buy a test. I really didn't not want to waste money on a test as I had spent thousands of dollars over the years on test and junk for fertility. I made the choice as I was at the intersection waiting for the light. I walk in the store hoping not to see anyone and be able to look over all the options in private. I decide to spend the extra money and get a test that tells me so plain that even I understand. I got the digital test that says "pregnant or not pregnant” I didn't need to fuss with lines wondering if they were dark enough. There was a long line and I was standing there waiting, still hoping that I would not run into anyone. Hoping the clerk that was checking me out would not question me what I was buying. I have heard it too many times before in the past. I purchased it and was heading out of the store when I ran into a member from my church. Rachael, she was going in with her kids as I am heading out. I put my bag behind my body and talk with her for a bit, then quickly leave to go home and try out my test. I call my older sister as I am heading home and talk to her about it. She tells me, drink as much water as you can. Just water load. And if the pee is all water and it shows you are pregnant than you know for sure you are. I did just that and within sec the test read "pregnant”.
Test 3
I was still not convinced and took another test the next morning. Once again it was the same result.
Test 4
That afternoon I went to the doctor they did the same test and came back in and told me. I demanded a blood test. After talking to the doctor on why I needed one, she finally sent me to labs to get my blood drawn.
Test 5
The next day I got the results and it was right on. I was officially pregnant. We decided to see and wait for my first appointment so that I could know I really was. At this point I didn't believe it.
Adoption - We were chosen! Started the adoption process in Mar 2008, chosen in March 2009
The week I had my first appointment we got a call that Monday night from our case worker who told us that our birth mother had chosen us. We were in shock. We were so excited and couldn't believe we were chosen and that we would be getting a baby in 8 weeks. As that sunk in, Adam and talked back and forth about telling our birth mother about the pregnancy. People urged us not to say anything until we were far enough along in case of a miscarriage. A miscarriage, no way, that will not happen to me. This baby is coming and I know it. I know we are supposed to adopt and I know we are suppose to welcome Isabelle's baby into our home. We wrapped the idea around in our minds that we were going to have two babies and they would be 6 months apart. I could not believe we were going to be parents and be able to have two babies. I felt so blessed.
Test 6 - no heartbeat? (yet?)
Then the Wednesday came for my first appointment. I was so excited I could believe they were going to confirm I was pregnant. It was awesome and scary all in one. When she did the ultrasound. This chatty woman became silent. As she was looking her smile went to a worried look. She confirm with me my dates and I explained what I knew. Then she tells me I may not be as far along as I thought. No I was sure I was 2 weeks further than what she was telling me. Then she tells me all this medical logo that is going over my head. I am looking at this women and all I hear is "there is no heartbeat” then bla bla bla. She had me go get labs and then to go get them in 48hours later and come back on Monday for another appointment. I did what was requested and in the mean time research on the internet all I could about what she had told me. I found the more I read, the words she used started to make sense.
Miscarriage
The next Monday I went in. Not once did I think they were right in her diagnostic, not once did I think I would miscarry. I went in knowing they would find the heartbeat and everything would be just fine.
I was completely blind-sided when they are using the words DNC and right now. (This is where they go in and "scrape out" the fetus and any dead tissue from the miscarriage). What? I was told that I was nine weeks pregnant now and that the baby stopped growing at 6.5 weeks. I should be bleeding and it should be making its way out. But since it has not we need to do a DNC today because of the risk of infection.
My mind was could not take it all in. I asked for a moment to call Adam and talk to him about it. I was still in denial and still thought they didn't know what they were talking about. My mind waved back and forth wondering if they were right or wrong, wondering if I should do this or not? I could not make a decision and I was all alone, and then would do this and not be medicated and then drive myself home. Could I do it, of course I can. I am strong and I can anything on my own, but is this what I should do? I decided I would just do it, but in my heart I was breaking and wondering if it was right. The doctor came back in and he could sense my hesitation. We talked and he changed from being all business like and turned into a human being. The next thing I know he is telling me to embrace my pregnancy, enjoy the next few days and listen and understand my body and make the appointment the end of the week. I left with a cloud over my head. I felt like I was going to explode. I felt sorrow and pain and I sat in my car and just cried. How could this happen. How could I get pregnant, how could I lose it? Why now? After all these years why now? I got home and felt like my world was over. I felt so alone and sad.
Adoption - a baby is coming! - (No time for mourning)
I was excited for what was going to happen the next week! We were meeting our birth mother and she was going to place her child with us! I told myself I would mourn this week and then the next week I needed to focus on our other baby. That Wednesday about 6pm the night before my DNC was scheduled. I began cramping, the pain was terrible. It happened two hours later. I passed the baby on my own at home. This may sound gross to you and so move forward it is too much detail. But I saw it, I picked it up and looked at it. I cried and I made Adam look at it. Even though he almost threw up looking at it. Then I cried some more. How this could happen, and why did it happen to us? I took the next day off work and back in on the Friday. It felt like weeks before my body turned back to normal. I was only pregnant for a short while, but I felt so many changes in my body. I listened to the doctor's advice and really listened to my body. I really saw the miracle that took place with it. I felt all the changes that had happen go back.
My birthday - meeting our birthmom!
The next week on my 38th birthday we were able to meet our birth mom! That is where we were on our grand adventure to the "great northwest" I was meeting the woman who would change our lives. I was so scared and excited all the same. We had decided to tell her I was pregnant before I had the miscarriage. But then it happened and we kept it to ourselves.
Getting ready for the baby!
One thing that stuck with me in our meeting with our birth mother is she asked us if we were ready. I was hesitant to tell her, but we were ready. We were ready for this child in our hearts. As soon as we got back home I was on a rampage to get the house and all the things we needed for this little girl. Did you know you can move a husband out of his office in a week and get it painted and the carpets cleaned too? Yes within a week we had the room ready for the crib. I gave myself a deadline to have a bag packed and the baby's room done by May 1st. I was done a week before schedule. I had dreams at night about what I needed to buy and I would wake up the next morning exhausted because I have been shopping all night and making mental notes of things to get. So the next day I would go get those things. The next night would be something I had missed and so the next day I would get that item. This continued until we were prepared. We were so excited and our minds were on Baby thoughts. We had her named picked out, we had her room decorated and ready for her arrival. We had her clothes packed for the trip to go get her. After weeks of thinking it through I found a port-a-crib for the hotel room and got a bottle warmer and all you could imagine that we needed for our hotel stay with the baby.
We even made hotel reservations for a week (3 days before and 3 days after the due date, just in case). We drove by some hotels before our flight out and I suggested to Adam that we stop at a particular one. We stopped there and ended up getting a deal that was much cheaper and nicer than any other comparable hotel (for the next month)! We found out that it was a good thing to make reservations early because there was going to be several sports teams in town and rooms would be scarce during that week!
I thought I was so prepared.
But one thing that I never prepared for was a broken heart.
Not once through the process did I feel Isabel would change her mind. Not once did I think this baby would not come to our home. Not once did I think that Heavenly Father's plan would change for us.
Free Agency - Choice & Accountability
Then I realized that Isabel has her free agency and she used it. She made the choice to place her daughter with us, as she made the choice to keep her child and raise her on her own. I didn't prepare for this to happen. My head started to spin, my world yet again changed.
How could this happen?
Why now?
Why us?
Have we not done all that is required of us?
Have we not lived long enough without children in our home?
Have we endured enough with this trial?
My pain turned to anger and back to pain. My heart went numb and my world has been shattered once again.
How could I have gone from having two precious babies to none in 11 weeks?
There is much to be said for our trials and what we can endure. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. But that is not who I am.
I will pick myself up and go on! One day at a time.
I am super woman and can do anything!
I can endure all the pain that is thrown my way!
Mourning the loss of children
So as I see people around me expand their families. I see the joy in their worlds. I am happy for them, but in my home with my door shut I cry for my own pain.
I want to recover and move forward, but how do you recover from a broken heart?
Time will heal a broken heart. A baby in my arms will heal my broken heart. I know without a doubt that Isabel's child was meant for our family. We had too many spiritual experiences (signs and wonders) along the way to deny it. I also know that God's plan for us in our lives will not be frustrated. It will happen one day, just not today :-(
The future ...
I wanted to share a glimpse of our experience over the past 11 weeks of our lives. I want to express my love for Isabel. I know she had allot of pain in making her choice and even though she has decided to keep her child and raise her. I pray that she will find happiness and joy in her children. Not take them for granted. Give them all the love and support that they need to make it in this hard world. I pray that her relationship will work out with her new boyfriend and that they can provide a stable two parent home. If she ever finds herself alone, that she will be able to have the strength to go on and raise her children the best that she can.
As for Adam and I, where do we go from here?
I am not sure?
What I do know is that we have the hope to have little feet running around with sticky hands in our home one day. Just not today.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Free Agency
Tonight my mind has been on free agency. I am reminded by a talk given by President Monson back many years ago. There are Three R’s of Free Agency. “Right, Responsibility, Results.
Our Heavenly Father gave us free agency, even from the very beginning, after He had pointed out to Adam the trees in the Garden from which he might freely eat, He then directed Adam’s attention to one tree and advised him that he should not partake of the fruit thereof. He then added, “… nevertheless, thou mayest choose for thyself, for it is given unto thee. …”(Moses 3:17)
I think about the RIGHT of choice – what does this mean?
I have the right to choose what is best for me. I have the right to move in the direction I feel is the best choice to make.
I think about the REPONSIBILITY of Choice – what does this mean?
If I choose my direction then I will need to take full responsibility of that choice and never look back and know that I made the best choice to begin with.
I think about the RESULT of choice – what does this mean?
The results of my choice will impact me and those around me. It may be for the better or for the worst, but I will live with the result.
So next time you make a choice, remember you have the right, but you will need to take responsibility and you need to deal and live with the result.
Please let us know with a burning in our heart that our choice will be for the best what ever the choice may be.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Where did April Go?
I can hardly believe it is May? Where did April go? As for our month it was full of adventures and fun. The day we got back from our trip, when I got home for work I heard an extra barking in the house. Oh yeah, we dog sat for a friend of ours for a few days. Buddy, you may recognize from Halloween. Adam and Buddy were in the same costumes. Well he came and stayed with us. As for him getting along with “the girls” they did just fine. They pretty much stayed out of each others path during his stay. I have to tell one funny thing that happened while Buddy was here. Saturday night we stayed up really late. We were painting that night and it turned into a late night early morning we finally went to
bed around 1:30am. Well the next morning we were up at 7am and went down stairs to let the girls out. They are always excited no matter how much sleep they get they are ready for anything. I went over to Buddy who would not come out of his kennel, I peeked in and he started to growl at me. Okay Buddy I get it, you are not ready to get up. Take it easy, you can sleep longer. Later that morning I realized I had not seen him for a while so I called his name and he did not answer. I started to get a little nervous and so went out to the back yard to see if he was out there. Nope, I could not find this 6 lbs dog. Where could he be? I went upstairs and was calling his name to try to get a response, I went into the loft and looked at the couch all I saw was a blanket. As I got closer and could hear a growl and thought maybe he was back behind the couch. I am moving towards the couch ready to put my knee on the couch to get on it so I can peek over the back and look behind, at that moment I see Buddy with his teeth growling at me from the blanket. Oh there you are. Ok Buddy back off I just wanted to know where you were. He had cuddle up in the blanket on the couch getting some more sleep. So yes the late nights with us did affect Buddy and I am sure he was happy to go home and get more sleep than he was able to get at our house.
bed around 1:30am. Well the next morning we were up at 7am and went down stairs to let the girls out. They are always excited no matter how much sleep they get they are ready for anything. I went over to Buddy who would not come out of his kennel, I peeked in and he started to growl at me. Okay Buddy I get it, you are not ready to get up. Take it easy, you can sleep longer. Later that morning I realized I had not seen him for a while so I called his name and he did not answer. I started to get a little nervous and so went out to the back yard to see if he was out there. Nope, I could not find this 6 lbs dog. Where could he be? I went upstairs and was calling his name to try to get a response, I went into the loft and looked at the couch all I saw was a blanket. As I got closer and could hear a growl and thought maybe he was back behind the couch. I am moving towards the couch ready to put my knee on the couch to get on it so I can peek over the back and look behind, at that moment I see Buddy with his teeth growling at me from the blanket. Oh there you are. Ok Buddy back off I just wanted to know where you were. He had cuddle up in the blanket on the couch getting some more sleep. So yes the late nights with us did affect Buddy and I am sure he was happy to go home and get more sleep than he was able to get at our house.
April is our month full of Birthdays we have seven to be exact. This means a lot of phone calls and birthday cakes. Easter Sunday Adam and I got together with my parents to celebrate Easter and while we were there we celebrated all our Birthdays except for Adam who is later in the year. My mom made my favorite birthday cake. I grew up requesting it. It is a chocolate torte. I have requested this to be 4 layers in the past; it is a chocolate heavy cake with crushed almond in it with a chocolate ganache frosting. Very rich and very decadent. One layer is all you really need. Once a year is all you really need to eat this cake as it has a pound of butter and sugar in each layer.
As having the planting bug hit me early this season, I really want to get out in the yard and start planning flowers and take an early start this season. That came to a halt when it started to snow. Uh yeah got to love the weather guys when they say this storm could bring one to thirty inches of snow. Hmmmm I think they were right on as just about every where in the area received that much calculation for this past spring storm.
Last weekend our church had a Pine Wood Derby. Anything goes was the motto. We invited our neighbors to go with us, so during the week we got together to make our cars. I still need to get the pictures from the night at their house building the cars. We had all our tools out on their kitchen table trying to build our master pieces for the night. We had a lot of fun making the cars and we had even more fun racing them. As both our cars went 3 rounds before losing.
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