Sunday, October 3, 2010

Not understanding God's Plan

This past month has been a whirlwind of emotions.

Let me explain. Adam and I had to heal from the pain of last year. It took us some time before we found ourselves wanting to be back up on the adoption list. So in May we contacted LDS Family Services and began the process once again to become adoptive couple. Since we had already been approved last year we were only a transfer couple who just needed to be updated in our new state. You would think that would be a simple process right? Well, let me explain. We met with our case worker in June. We introduced ourselves and shared our experiences and told him we had an urgency to be active by the end of August. So that was the plan, to be back up and active by the end of August. We expressed understanding the process and asked him if he needed the similar things that they did in Colorado. Through out the process of our visits, phone calls, emails. One thing we kept asking our case worker was "is there anything else you need? are you sure we don't need finger print cards for this state?" It almost seemed too easy. As August approached and we finally had out home visit and all that was left was for him to write up our summery and send it to the board for review. I called weekly to follow up with him and push it to get done. I knew when the board was meeting and go confirmation from our case worker he would have it done and we would be active. I waited and watched to see if our profile was up on the site. By the 2nd day I was too impatient and called the office only to find out that our case worker needed to make a appointment to discuss our file. We set a 1230pm phone appointment that day. I worried and watched the clock until that phone call came in.

I could not believe what I was hearing. I could not believe we were not active. I could not believe that he had sat on our file and it had not been worked and the past three months was waisted. He begins to tell me that we do need finger print cards, we do need physicals, we do need more forms filled out. I was calm on the phone with him and listen and took notes. I expressed my disappointment in him and the process. I expressed our urgency to be approved and how I didn't understand he he didnt know his job and the process. I got off the phone sat there for a moment and then I just broke into tears. I felt broken once again. This pain was so deep. I have only ever felt it two other times. This feeling of empty and that I had nothing left inside of me. It is such a dark place to be. I immediately called Adam and told him all that I had learned. We decided to push it to the supervisor and file a complaint.

Two years ago when we started this process we were so afraid to file any complaints as we didn't want to be the complainer couple or have it keep us from finding a child. So we kept quiet. What I have learned over the years and I would tell anyone who is adopting. If you are not satisfied with the service you are paying for, complain. Express to them what you expect and your disappointments. It will not hurt you, but only help you get the people working for you trained. We did just that. Only the more we spoke with the supervisor the more we found out that he didn't do anything for us. Papers we signed were lost. We had emails that from the office stating they recieved documents back in June that were not any where to be found. It broke my heart even more to know that the last 3 months had been a waist of time.

At this time Adam had a scripture come to his mind. It had very special meaning to us. As we pondered all we have done to have a family. All that the past 10 years have brought us to this moment. This scripture that came to him was our Heavenly Father telling us that we have been released at this time. So Adam and I decided to not proceed with the approval. It would take another 3 month to get approved and the urgency seemed to leave us.

After feeling broken heart and through this experience I felt a sense of peace in my life. I felt that Heavenly Father loved us and it was ok. Everything would be ok.

Little did we know what was around the corner.

1 comment:

dynomitegirl said...

Nikki, I am crying for you! This seems so unfair, I am so sorry. I can't tell you how many times I have hurt for you as you have struggled through this process. How badly I have wanted a baby for you, and how many times I have pleaded with God for you. I am so glad God was at your side and able to give your soul rest as dealt with one more difficult blow.