Friday, May 15, 2009

Joy and Pain over 11 weeks

Mis-Adoption & Mis-carriage - all at once
I have been hesitant to share the things that have happen the past few months in our lives. We have experienced a miracle, we experienced joy and along with that came much pain. The last few months have been a whirlwind for us. I can barely remember the dates all the events happen, just knowing it did and we went through it all in 11 weeks.

Pregnancy - This CAN'T be real? After 9 years of trying?
The beginning of March we learned that we had a miracle; we found out that I was pregnant. I was feeling odd and talking to a co-worker and she told me to take a test. I have never been able to get pregnant. We had spent 9 years and allot of money working towards conceiving and with the end result, "you are the small percentage of couple we have no idea why you can't get pregnant." I remember thinking that day I may have a test tucked away in the filing cabinet and so that evening I decided to find it and put it in the bathroom.

Test 1
I thought to myself, if the next morning I decided to take the test it would be there. I was not going to spend the money to get a test. The next morning at 530am I decided to just do it. Wow what does 2 lines mean? I had to go online and look up the exact test I was using which is what they use at the hospital. Then I went into the bedroom where Adam was sleeping because it was 530am and I jumped on him and asked him if he knew what this meant. He was half awake and it barely registered with him.

I got ready for work still not believing the test. I pack the test in a zip lock bag and bring it to work to show my co-worker Kelli what it meant. She took one look at it and gave me a big hug and told me I was pregnant. I immediately call the doctor to see if I can get in for a test. I made the appointment the next day after work.

Test 2
Kelli convinced me to stop at Walgreen's and buy a test. I really didn't not want to waste money on a test as I had spent thousands of dollars over the years on test and junk for fertility. I made the choice as I was at the intersection waiting for the light. I walk in the store hoping not to see anyone and be able to look over all the options in private. I decide to spend the extra money and get a test that tells me so plain that even I understand. I got the digital test that says "pregnant or not pregnant” I didn't need to fuss with lines wondering if they were dark enough. There was a long line and I was standing there waiting, still hoping that I would not run into anyone. Hoping the clerk that was checking me out would not question me what I was buying. I have heard it too many times before in the past. I purchased it and was heading out of the store when I ran into a member from my church. Rachael, she was going in with her kids as I am heading out. I put my bag behind my body and talk with her for a bit, then quickly leave to go home and try out my test. I call my older sister as I am heading home and talk to her about it. She tells me, drink as much water as you can. Just water load. And if the pee is all water and it shows you are pregnant than you know for sure you are. I did just that and within sec the test read "pregnant”.

Test 3
I was still not convinced and took another test the next morning. Once again it was the same result.

Test 4
That afternoon I went to the doctor they did the same test and came back in and told me. I demanded a blood test. After talking to the doctor on why I needed one, she finally sent me to labs to get my blood drawn.

Test 5
The next day I got the results and it was right on. I was officially pregnant. We decided to see and wait for my first appointment so that I could know I really was. At this point I didn't believe it.

Adoption - We were chosen! Started the adoption process in Mar 2008, chosen in March 2009
The week I had my first appointment we got a call that Monday night from our case worker who told us that our birth mother had chosen us. We were in shock. We were so excited and couldn't believe we were chosen and that we would be getting a baby in 8 weeks. As that sunk in, Adam and talked back and forth about telling our birth mother about the pregnancy. People urged us not to say anything until we were far enough along in case of a miscarriage. A miscarriage, no way, that will not happen to me. This baby is coming and I know it. I know we are supposed to adopt and I know we are suppose to welcome Isabelle's baby into our home. We wrapped the idea around in our minds that we were going to have two babies and they would be 6 months apart. I could not believe we were going to be parents and be able to have two babies. I felt so blessed.

Test 6 - no heartbeat? (yet?)
Then the Wednesday came for my first appointment. I was so excited I could believe they were going to confirm I was pregnant. It was awesome and scary all in one. When she did the ultrasound. This chatty woman became silent. As she was looking her smile went to a worried look. She confirm with me my dates and I explained what I knew. Then she tells me I may not be as far along as I thought. No I was sure I was 2 weeks further than what she was telling me. Then she tells me all this medical logo that is going over my head. I am looking at this women and all I hear is "there is no heartbeat” then bla bla bla. She had me go get labs and then to go get them in 48hours later and come back on Monday for another appointment. I did what was requested and in the mean time research on the internet all I could about what she had told me. I found the more I read, the words she used started to make sense.

The next Monday I went in. Not once did I think they were right in her diagnostic, not once did I think I would miscarry. I went in knowing they would find the heartbeat and everything would be just fine.

I was completely blind-sided when they are using the words DNC and right now. (This is where they go in and "scrape out" the fetus and any dead tissue from the miscarriage). What? I was told that I was nine weeks pregnant now and that the baby stopped growing at 6.5 weeks. I should be bleeding and it should be making its way out. But since it has not we need to do a DNC today because of the risk of infection.

My mind was could not take it all in. I asked for a moment to call Adam and talk to him about it. I was still in denial and still thought they didn't know what they were talking about. My mind waved back and forth wondering if they were right or wrong, wondering if I should do this or not? I could not make a decision and I was all alone, and then would do this and not be medicated and then drive myself home. Could I do it, of course I can. I am strong and I can anything on my own, but is this what I should do? I decided I would just do it, but in my heart I was breaking and wondering if it was right. The doctor came back in and he could sense my hesitation. We talked and he changed from being all business like and turned into a human being. The next thing I know he is telling me to embrace my pregnancy, enjoy the next few days and listen and understand my body and make the appointment the end of the week. I left with a cloud over my head. I felt like I was going to explode. I felt sorrow and pain and I sat in my car and just cried. How could this happen. How could I get pregnant, how could I lose it? Why now? After all these years why now? I got home and felt like my world was over. I felt so alone and sad.

Adoption - a baby is coming! - (No time for mourning)
I was excited for what was going to happen the next week! We were meeting our birth mother and she was going to place her child with us! I told myself I would mourn this week and then the next week I needed to focus on our other baby. That Wednesday about 6pm the night before my DNC was scheduled. I began cramping, the pain was terrible. It happened two hours later. I passed the baby on my own at home. This may sound gross to you and so move forward it is too much detail. But I saw it, I picked it up and looked at it. I cried and I made Adam look at it. Even though he almost threw up looking at it. Then I cried some more. How this could happen, and why did it happen to us? I took the next day off work and back in on the Friday. It felt like weeks before my body turned back to normal. I was only pregnant for a short while, but I felt so many changes in my body. I listened to the doctor's advice and really listened to my body. I really saw the miracle that took place with it. I felt all the changes that had happen go back.

My birthday - meeting our birthmom!
The next week on my 38th birthday we were able to meet our birth mom! That is where we were on our grand adventure to the "great northwest" I was meeting the woman who would change our lives. I was so scared and excited all the same. We had decided to tell her I was pregnant before I had the miscarriage. But then it happened and we kept it to ourselves.

Getting ready for the baby!
One thing that stuck with me in our meeting with our birth mother is she asked us if we were ready. I was hesitant to tell her, but we were ready. We were ready for this child in our hearts. As soon as we got back home I was on a rampage to get the house and all the things we needed for this little girl. Did you know you can move a husband out of his office in a week and get it painted and the carpets cleaned too? Yes within a week we had the room ready for the crib. I gave myself a deadline to have a bag packed and the baby's room done by May 1st. I was done a week before schedule. I had dreams at night about what I needed to buy and I would wake up the next morning exhausted because I have been shopping all night and making mental notes of things to get. So the next day I would go get those things. The next night would be something I had missed and so the next day I would get that item. This continued until we were prepared. We were so excited and our minds were on Baby thoughts. We had her named picked out, we had her room decorated and ready for her arrival. We had her clothes packed for the trip to go get her. After weeks of thinking it through I found a port-a-crib for the hotel room and got a bottle warmer and all you could imagine that we needed for our hotel stay with the baby.

We even made hotel reservations for a week (3 days before and 3 days after the due date, just in case). We drove by some hotels before our flight out and I suggested to Adam that we stop at a particular one. We stopped there and ended up getting a deal that was much cheaper and nicer than any other comparable hotel (for the next month)! We found out that it was a good thing to make reservations early because there was going to be several sports teams in town and rooms would be scarce during that week!

I thought I was so prepared.

But one thing that I never prepared for was a broken heart.

Not once through the process did I feel Isabel would change her mind. Not once did I think this baby would not come to our home. Not once did I think that Heavenly Father's plan would change for us.

Free Agency - Choice & Accountability
Then I realized that Isabel has her free agency and she used it. She made the choice to place her daughter with us, as she made the choice to keep her child and raise her on her own. I didn't prepare for this to happen. My head started to spin, my world yet again changed.

How could this happen?
Why now?
Why us?
Have we not done all that is required of us?
Have we not lived long enough without children in our home?
Have we endured enough with this trial?

My pain turned to anger and back to pain. My heart went numb and my world has been shattered once again.

How could I have gone from having two precious babies to none in 11 weeks?

There is much to be said for our trials and what we can endure. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. But that is not who I am.

I will pick myself up and go on! One day at a time.
I am super woman and can do anything!
I can endure all the pain that is thrown my way!

Mourning the loss of children
So as I see people around me expand their families. I see the joy in their worlds. I am happy for them, but in my home with my door shut I cry for my own pain.

I want to recover and move forward, but how do you recover from a broken heart?

Time will heal a broken heart. A baby in my arms will heal my broken heart. I know without a doubt that Isabel's child was meant for our family. We had too many spiritual experiences (signs and wonders) along the way to deny it. I also know that God's plan for us in our lives will not be frustrated. It will happen one day, just not today :-(

The future ...
I wanted to share a glimpse of our experience over the past 11 weeks of our lives. I want to express my love for Isabel. I know she had allot of pain in making her choice and even though she has decided to keep her child and raise her. I pray that she will find happiness and joy in her children. Not take them for granted. Give them all the love and support that they need to make it in this hard world. I pray that her relationship will work out with her new boyfriend and that they can provide a stable two parent home. If she ever finds herself alone, that she will be able to have the strength to go on and raise her children the best that she can.

As for Adam and I, where do we go from here?

I am not sure?

What I do know is that we have the hope to have little feet running around with sticky hands in our home one day. Just not today.


Julie said...

You are Super Woman! The last 11 weeks has been a whirlwind, I've cried with you, tears of joy and tears of sorrow. I'll be here for you!

I've found myself asking difficult questions WHY ... Why ... why? Although I haven't been privy to those answers, I have been reminded, through the scriptures how much our Heavenly Father loves each of us.

Moses 7: 28,29,32 “. . .And he wept; and Enoch bore record of it, saying: How is it that the heavens weep, and shed forth their tears as the rain upon the mountains? And Enoch said unto the Lord: How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity?
The Lord said unto Enoch: Behold these are thy Brethern; they are the workmanship of mine own hands, and I gave unto them their knowledge, in the day I created them; and in the Garden of Eden, gave I unto man his agency;

1 Nephi 9:6 “ But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power until the fufilling of all is words.”

1 Nephi11:17 “ ... I know the he loveth his children; neverless, I do not know the meaning of all things.”

You are love!

dynomitegirl said...

My dearest Nikki, how can I express my love for you without even being in the same states.
I LOVE YOU! I wish I could take some of your pain, I wish I could protect your heart from breaking. I wish I could say that I understand what you are going through, I wish I could say that I know what to do to make it OK, but I don't. Nikki I am sorry that youhave to feel all of this pain at once. Let God love you, feel him in your life, and know that he cares about you even in your greatest trials. Love Christine

Laura said...

That's heartbreaking. I am so sorry.

Teri said...

Adam and Nikki, I have been thinking about the two of you since I received your email this week and have said to myself...what should I say to them? I am thankful that you put such a heartfelt post here on your blog so that we can understand a little better the things you have gone through and I want you to know that I also believe that one day you WILL have another little miracle with sticky fingers running around your home! The two of you are so STRONG but I want you to know that I am here for you, whatever you need just give me a call! I think about you often! Love, Teri

Diana said...

I am so sorry to hear about your heartache. I know the lord knows your pain and heartache. Trust in him. I know what an awsome couple you are. You are both so strong. I will definatly keep you in my prayers and may your heart heal and your thoughts be in the right frame of mind. If you need anything don't hesitate to call.

Skinners said...

Adam and Nikki- I sit here and cry for you. My heart just aches and I still don't know what to say. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I know you know the Lord loves you and even though it is hard you trust Him. My heart goes out to you and your family is in my prayers.
Courtney Skinner

Annie Carie said...

Oh my goodness Nikki, I am crying for your heartach and loss.
Love you-

Cam and Chelle said...

We sure love you guys! We've been praying and thinking about you this week. xoxo, Chelle

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry! I didn't know. I appreciate your comments on free agency. You will be in my prayers.